The Queen’s Clade
Oh Praxie! Everything has changed. I have no one to share my thoughts with, so here I am, thinking to myself, picturing your disgustingly happy little face. And don’t even mention Xos! I might as well share my thoughts with a bag of meat. And yes, of course what happened to Selene must have… but you remember what she was like even before then. I know she thinks she’s better than me. But she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know what I…
Thing is, I’m not even sure you’d know me any more Prax. I’ve changed, too. I was changing before you left, but you didn’t see Prax - you didn’t see. You were so excited about your little adventure. You should have known what was happening. I couldn’t share it with you, but you should have known Prax. It’s your fault.
Oh my lovely, I’m sorry. I didn't mean that. It’s just that I’ve got no one now. And I need you. Where are you even? What are you doing? It’s been weeks. Have you seen lots of sleepers? I bet they’re everywhere out there. Are they utterly horrid? I bet they’re even more disgusting than the ones we keep. Running naked, covered in excrement, rubbing themselves up against each other. Not for long though.
The clade is almost empty - there can’t be more than two legions left, I think. Ianthe has told us that glory is coming, that the freed will cleanse the lands around us in preparation for new clades. Can you imagine that? New clades? Ianthe seems to have complete control now, more so than before anyway. No one has seen the Queen. Well, obviously not seen… but not even felt. Her presence is just absent somehow. I was going to start this delicious rumour about her having begun her eternal rest, but it’s already out there. Some snotty little newlymade got in there first… Don’t look at me like that Prax. I know it’s the Queen, but it’s only a rumour. Of course it’s not true.
I can hardly take pleasure in rumours anymore. Not even the one about Iris because it just makes me worry about you. I told you she was mad. The story goes that Ianthe found secret rooms in the refinery - some dreadful experiments. I mean, there’s a few versions of it but they’re all utterly disgusting. And parts of the refinery are just a smouldering wreck now, so whatever was there is gone. The more I think about it, the more I think maybe it’s my fault that you’re not here. I should have tried to stop you from going anywhere with that wretched has-been. I know I couldn’t have. It’s just that I worry so much - I miss you. You were the good part of me and now it’s all just…
I’m still tasked to the stupid factory. That hasn’t changed - I wish it would. I shiver every time I reach the door at the thought of the lampers on the other side. It’s disgusting, being afraid. You must have known that they scare me. Not that I let anyone see, but I don’t think I could hide that from you. I do have secrets you know. I know you think I don’t. Xos is there with me, too. We work in silence. Sometimes I just want to push her stupid head into her stupid furnace.
Ianthe never calls me away anymore. You didn’t know she did that, did you? See! I told you I had secrets. She used to give me sleepers to play with and newly-made freed to kill them with. Sometimes she’d ask me to go somewhere and just be a nuisance, and then later she’d look at my memories - you know, the way she does - but she hasn’t called me again, not since… not since she had me kill Selene. Selene was a traitor, Praxie. A filthy traitor who sympathised with sleepers if you can believe that! I mean of course it’s true, it’s just that it seems so… shocking. The whole experience seems strange now. I’d do anything for Ianthe. And I know I killed Selene, but I don’t exactly remember it. Ianthe made it easier for me somehow. That’s when everything started to change. And in a way it’s good that you’re not here now, because if you were I’d have to keep it from you.
After you left, after Iris left, there was a broadcast from Ianthe. The inquisition had uncovered nothing. No metics, no freed had witnessed the slaying. It could only have come from outside, could only have been a sleeper, and we would continue to mobilise the freed until those responsible had been eliminated. And I think I understand. I mean it’s a lie but for the right reasons, you see? Ianthe is going to make us strong again, safe again. But where’s the Queen, Praxie? And where are you? Everything’s changed, and I’m starting to feel like… like I’m not me anymore. I’m not the same without you, Praxie. I need you to explain it all to me and tell me everything will be ok. Please, Praxie. Please tell me everything will be ok. Please come home.
(For Andrew Moore, who always told good stories.)